I was but i am not anymore
Xueqing Bai (Yuki)
This project tells the emotional story of my experience as a food influencer. From the excitement and hope at the beginning, to the struggles with performance, pressure, and self-doubt in the middle, and finally to letting go and finding peace.
My book is a personal journey, an immersive and absurd narrative journey that reveals how social media creates illusions, manipulates perception, and blurs reality. It’s not just about the internet—it’s about everyone’s struggle and rebirth in moments of losing control.
The initial longing
I kept seeing food posts on social media and found out that some people were actually professional food influencers. I thought, “Wow, getting to eat for free in New York? That sounds like a dream!” So I decided to try it myself.
Where the dream began
So I created a food account, checked out all the trending spots, and paid close attention to how other bloggers posted. That’s when my food influencer journey really started.
I got sponsored!
It hadn’t even been a month when a business reached out to me. I was shocked—like, wait, me? I was actually being seen?! A $100 meal, totally free? That’s insane... and amazing!!
Joining the WeChat group
As more collaborations came in, I joined a WeChat group created by a media company—it had over 300 food influencers based in New York. Our main task? Liking each other’s posts.Every time I posted something, I would drop the link in the group. If someone liked my post, I was expected to like theirs in return. It felt strange—almost mechanical. But I kept going anyway
The First Lie
One time, I went to a very average restaurant. The owner was an older man in his 60s—stubborn and opinionated. While I was eating, he kept lecturing me on how I should describe their food. I had to listen—after all, he was the sponsor. The problem was... I didn’t like the food at all. But I still wrote the post exactly the way he told me to.
Day and night, it kept repeating.
Every day was the same. I lied about bad food. I posted. I shared the link. I liked others. Again and again. It was boring. And I didn’t even know why I was doing it anymore.
Shadowbanned by the Platform
As I posted more and more sponsored content, the platform flagged me as a “commercial account.” On Chinese social media, that means being restricted. The posts I worked so hard on were hidden by the algorithm. It was frustrating—and heartbreaking.
I Broke Down
The final straw? I ended up in the ER after eating contaminated food. That’s right—I never really screened the restaurants. If someone invited me, I went. I ate. I filmed. But this time, it sent me to the hospital. And the worst part? I still had to post. If I didn’t, I’d have to pay for the meal. So I posted while recovering from food poisoning.
Time to Give Up
I couldn’t find any joy in it anymore. Then what was the point? Even free food couldn’t make me feel better. Not anymore.